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As shitty as the economy is, I got a new job. I start first thing on Monday and it feels good to start making money just after getting out of college last semester. It's not a job I really wanted, but it's experience and money and I'll be trained by my best friend so, if he says something that pisses me off, I can drop kick him in the happy sack and not get fired.
So, thinking about this has got me thinking about people I can't stand in general and the varieties of rude, self-absorbed, scum sucking, amoeba-brain sized individuals on this Earth that just beg to be drop kicked into the nearest gorge and break every bone on the way down until they release their bowels after suffering excruciating pain from the 500-ft. plummet before they finally expire.
I've only thought of six so far, but I'll post them and continue the list later.
1. The Passively-Rude-Inside-The-Movie-Theatre-Bright-Screen-Cell-Phone-User - So, I see you got a cell phone there. Yeah, I got one, too. Oh, look at that! That's quite a luminous glow! I bet you got a text message or maybe you felt your phone vibrate when you set it on silent as to not disturb anyone else in the theatre with your lame flavor of the week ringtone. You think you're being considerate by making no noise, eh? Newsflash, dipshit; we can all see your FUCKING SCREEN. We want our eyes to focus on the big ass screen with the funny/dramatic/action packed movie, but we're drawn like moths to the flame to your silly little glaring cell phone nuisance. We can't help it; it's just how our ocular vision works. The next time I'm in a theatre eating my popcorn and munching on my box of Whoppers, I'm going to storm over to where the yuppy is sitting and give him/her an instant message of pain.
2. The I-Just-Turned-Twenty-One-Drink-Expert - Most commonly found in large groups of bar douchebags that go out every weekend to mingle with other large groups of bar douchebags, the Twenty One Guy likes to see himself as a self-proclaimed master of the booze because he's of legal drinking age and he's done his homework on every single mixed drink the interweb has to offer! Don't think he's going to be shy, either. Since he fancies himself so skilled in liquor combinations, he'll recommend the same bland, watered down mixed drinks this side of a stripclub because it was survey says "extremely popular." The truth of the matter is he wouldn't know what hard alcohol was if he was beamed in the head with a bottle of moonshine. There are a few ways to shut up Mr. Hair of the Dog, but the best way is to recommend to him a very special drink called the Louisville Slugger, which consists of breaking a Corona bottle over his head and promptly kicking him in the balls.
3. The Loud-Mouthed-Classroom-Minority - It's nice to see so many people taking the same class as me. I can't wait to learn about Arthurian legends! Class seems to have started and the instructor is handing out the syllabus. Hmm, what's the annoying noise? Could it be coming from up front? Oh shit, not one of these chuckleheaded tumors. The instructor doesn't want to hear about your annoying children, your pitiful drug using past, your time in prison with a cellmate named Sharonda, how you found Jesus, what type of car you drive, what kind of house you rent, your menial shit job or ANYTHING. SHUT THE FUCK UP AND ABSORB KNOWLEDGE, YOU FESTERING BOIL OF A DRIED UP HAG! For the sake of sounding racist, sometimes it's a PWT (poor white trash) bitch and they're almost as bad, or even worse, as the black ones and the Mexican ones. It's usually never a guy; it's always women. It's like they morphed into humongous squawking magpies that have lost the ability to close their pie holes and restrain themselves from divulging personal information about their empty, non-influential lives. The next time I have the misfortune of being in the same learning environment as these social parasites, the gloves will come off and the fur will fucking fly when I unleash my arsenal of rabid wolverines onto their flesh and gleefully hop up and down with delight as I rid myself of another mental inhibitor.
4. The Stuck-In-Gridlock-Music-Enthusiast - Yeah, I'm off work and traffic is mighty slow today. Even though I left early, I'm still stuck in half hour/hour delay. Oh, I see someone next to me is trying to cope with the situation by playing a little Notorious B.I.G. Yeah, he's not a bad rapper. Ahh, you turned it on full blast because you think everyone will like it! Your trunk is rattling, you're giving me a migraine and causing me to get a little belligerent, but can't nobody hold you down, yo! These hair-pulling pricks come in all varieties, too. The other day, I was at the car wash and this ignorant Latino, throughout the entire time he vacuumed and washed his car, had Spanish hip-hop on to the point where by the time I left, I had a fucking headache. The son of a bitch was lucky I don't carry a damn crowbar because I would have done a Mexican hat dance on his scuzzy ass. I usually hate to point out that I have much better taste in music and a better sound system than these annoying fleas by turning up my stereo louder so, the only thing that seems logical prior to that would be to fire bomb their rolling heaps of noise polluting shit and pull them out of the smoldering wreckage to bust their kneecaps and cave their skull in with a metal bat from Big 5 Sporting Goods.
5. Indecisive-Four-Way-Stop-Driver - Nice day for a drive. Not a lot of people on the road and everything is peachy. A four way stop, eh? No problem! Someone got here before I did. No problem! I see he/she isn't going. I'll wave them on. They're waving me on. I insist that they go. They insist that I go. I still insist that they go since they have the right of way AND is on my right. They're still not moving. Incredible. Ok, I'll just make my move and- FUCK! They inched forward! NOW they try to go? Even after egging me on to go before them? After all the courteous waving? What a stupid douche. These types of drivers should not be anywhere near a motor vehicle. They can't decide what to do unless they are baby-stepped through everything on the road. They don't know the laws so, they assume and accidents happen. Ever try to make a u-turn when you're already on the road and some hapless numbskull on your left is pulling out of a shopping center or a restaurant parking lot and thinks they have the right of way and almost hits you and then gets mad at YOU for abiding by simple traffic laws? Newsflash! If you fucking hit me, you're fucking WRONG! In any case, fire a gun into the air the next time you're faced with timid drivers and watch fence-sitting dredges make a decision pretty fucking quick.
6. The Traumatized-Into-Religion-Survivor-Or-Ex-Druggy - So, had a rotten run of life, huh? Yeah, sorry to hear that. I wish I could make it all better and help you, but I'm not a figment of your imagination like God. Ok, look, I know you think you had an eye opening experience, but there's no need to bring up your past or situation that molded you into who you are today. Also, there's no need to preach your holy epiphany to every friend and foe you run across in stores and gatherings a couple decibels louder than the average human converses with. Yes, I'm sure God is great. Yes, I'm sure you pray every day now. Of course, the bible says many things. Certainly, Jesus is lord in your mind, that's fantastic. Uh huh. Mm hmm. Yep. Alrighty. SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! I swear, why is it that every single time someone gets into a really bad accident, shoots up too many times and gets revived after an OD or hallucinates during a bad experience suddenly opens up their mind and body to a higher power? It's like an AA meeting without the support group. As if that wasn't bad enough, these sad sacks of protoplasm become shameless advertisements for religion and aren't afraid to get in your face about how it saved their life. Someone needs to wire these naive liabilities of the human race into a Vulcan mind meld machine or just strap them to the hood of a mack truck going ninety off of the Grand Canyon.
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